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Tidying Up

Anyone who has lived with me knows that I am not the tidiest person in the world. The first time I came home from college I remember thinking, “Wow! The house is so clean!” Was it a coincidence that I had moved out of the home 2 months before that? Definitely not 😂 I am a trail maker if ever there was one!

But I have been working on it! Especially now that I am responsible for my own home and have more anxiety than I did pre-accident. Two years ago, I set a New Year’s resolution to be more tidy and that goal was surprisingly attainable when I moved across the country with only the things that fit in our car and SUV. I could not believe what happened in my life when I eliminated all but the essentials.

I felt so FREE without all my STUFF. It was liberating and I could, for the first time ever, feel like I had control over the mess around me. It was the perfect scenario to work on improving cleanliness.

Fast forward 2.5 years and now I have more stuff, we have since moved most of the stuff we stored back then to our home here, and all the headway I made that first year has been challenged. But I thought I would share the few things that I have learned as I have tried to get back to that sense of control because the process can be a little overwhelming. And if you do read through this list, PLEASE remember that these are just things that have helped me and they may not fit your home. Each home and life is different and I would never want someone to mistake my words for those of an expert, especially in something that I am constantly working on.

The first part of finding control is to get rid of the stuff in the way of that control. Getting rid of stuff can be the hardest part of decluttering, but here are some things that have helped me:

  1. Have a VISION! You need to know the kind of life you want to live. What do you WANT your home to look like? Are you more comfortable when you are surrounded by things you love, or when you have open spaces? Do you like bulky furniture or floor space? Are blank walls uncomfortable or comforting? Having a vision also helps determine what I purchase. Do those Christmas gifts I want to give the kids fit my vision? Use your vision to motivate your choices.
    • If you are not living your dream life, get rid of the things that stand in the way of that. The convenience of owning some things is not worth the sacrifice of living everyday wishing your life was different.
  2. Change the way you approach getting rid of stuff. DO NOT THINK: will I use this in the future? DO THINK: will I miss this if it’s gone? “Why is this helpful?” you may wonder, but this happened in our home just this year. We had a really awesome track for those little VTech cars-the ones that sing all the time. When I was lamenting how much space it took up in my play room I started to think about getting rid of it. Will the kids use it? Yes, for sure. But will they miss it if it’s gone? Yeah…… NO. It took them 3 weeks, 3 WEEKS before they asked where it was and then they instantly moved on when we told them we had donated it. It has never been brought up since! They would have used it, but they don’t miss it at all. Their quality of life is no less than it was when they had it. I would even say it is better because my home is more in line with my vision now than it was then.
  3. Storage is not always the solution. Sure, a shelf or box or dresser could improve your organization, but you are literally putting MORE into a space that you currently feel like has too much. It is a trick, and more often than not, you subconsciously think you have more room and then you get more stuff to fill it up, and then you need more storage. It is a vicious cycle. Rather than trying to make a place for something, analyze if it really is worth the space it will take in your life.
    • If you absolutely need the things you have and still don’t have enough storage, I suggest brainstorming invisible storage: extra sheets stored under mattresses to make room in the linen closet, blankets hung behind a door, multi-use furniture like storage ottomans, labeled bins beneath beds, etc.
  4. Determining NEEDS vs WANTS: Often the clutter and feeling of not having control comes in the little things. Does my daughter need a different shirt for every day for the next month? Nope. So why do I have 30 shirts for her to throw on her floor to find her favorite 3 to wear? It’s kind of delusional when you think about it that way, which makes getting rid of some a little easier. Do I need 4 half used bottles of shampoo or bars of soap? I only actually use one per shower. Do I need to keep the three broken blue crayons if I have a new one? Believe it or not, they never use the broken ones. It doesn’t make sense to keep something you never use. That thing was created with a purpose in mind– it was not meant to be stuck in a box or closet somewhere– and if it is not fulfilling that purpose in your junk drawer, or kid’s closet, or kitchen cabinet, donate or sell it to someone who will use it for the purpose it was created for.
    • Honestly, this is something I am constantly re-evaluating and growing in. I still have more than I need, and I probably always will. But just changing the way I think about needs and wants has made getting rid of things easier.
    • Also, if you use something once or twice a year, look into borrowing, renting, or just sharing it with someone who has more room.
  5. Make sure everything has a home and that that home is not on the floor. Like my momma used to say: “Nothing on the floor but the furniture!” Occasionally, some thing’s place could be the floor, but that should be the rare exception rather than the rule.

In a time when we are in our homes more and the chaos outside our homes is just getting crazier and crazier, I have personally felt an odd sense of urgency to make my home the place I always WANT to be. I know there are so many other things that are helpful in managing clutter and tidiness and I’d love to hear any of your tricks!

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September

September is National Suicide Prevention Month.

But to me it is more than that. 6 years ago today, one of my best friends Preston took his own life.

He was the first person I knew that had “clinical depression;” I can still remember where I was when he told me. He had grown up in our town until 7th grade when his family moved just over and hour away. Although I don’t remember how long after his move I got that phone call, I remember being surprised because he was one of the happiest people I knew! And, oddly enough, he remained that way all the years afterward.

Although he lived an hour and a half away, we remained close friends. We would call each other occasionally, I invited him to come to a dance with me in high school, he visited my family while I was gone at college, etc.

After our missions I married someone who knew Preston longer than I had and when we decided to go to school the same place he and his wife were going to school, we knew we were going to HAVE SOME FUN. And we did! We got together for games and movies and meals. The last text message I sent Preston was inviting him and his wife to play games with us for family home evening.

We got the news the next morning that he had taken his life.

I was so confused. I thought he had it under control. He had been on anti-depressants for YEARS at this point. He was newly and happily married to one of the best people in the world. We had laughed and had fun the last time we had gotten together. He had a whole life ahead of him.

It was such a foreign grief to me. I had never lost someone to something so tragic. I didn’t understand depression and how blinding it could be. I just couldn’t understand.

I never knew then that I would experience suicidal ideation. I could never have seen at that point in my life how my situation and experience would help me to understand him better.

I am grateful for the friend that he was and for his example of spreading joy to all those around him, even when there was so much darkness inside.

I am reminded of this quote: “Be the best parts of those who are gone.”

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The War

I do not write this story for pity, or even concern for me at all! I am writing from a place of peace and contentment. My purpose in sharing this is two-fold:

1- Those who have never experienced such feelings can have a glimpse at what it is like, so they might be greater support to those who are struggling, and

2- Those who are in the middle of this mess, being beat down every day, feeling as though they are losing their war, know IT CAN BE WON. There IS happiness in the future. You do NOT have to give in.

I Almost Lost

I had been doing counseling for a couple of months. We were working through some things productively; however, my depression was getting stronger and stronger.

The summers are hot in Arkansas … hot, muggy, and mosquito-infested. Sheldon was working long days, sometimes 12-14 hours at a time. I was pregnant, exhausted, in a home with septic system problems and sinking floors – doing my best to keep the house clean, two energetic toddlers fed and attended to – all without a dishwasher. Several of my closest friends had moved away in the previous months. While I had others, I wasn’t feeling very sociable anyway.

Every day was a struggle. Just getting the motivation to make dinner was a fight. Needless to say, any depression that accompanied my pregnancy due to hormones or PTSD (from the accident) had an ideal environment to thrive, despite my efforts to keep it at bay.

I like to think of my depression as something similar to “The Host” in the Stephanie Meyer book. It gets inside your brain and just takes over. You’re still there, pushing back as hard as you can, but it’s always there bearing down with negativity, hopelessness, and self-loathing.

It was extra strong one day. Or perhaps I was weak one day, it doesn’t quite matter. The result was the same. I almost lost my life that Friday.

My family had gotten together for a mini reunion in Utah. Everyone would be there at one point – even my brother who had been gone on a two-year mission – except for me. Buying flights didn’t seem like wisest thing to do, financially. But that also meant that the people I would usually call to break up the monotony and keep me out of my head were ALL TOGETHER. Any phone call I made would be accompanied by jealousy and loneliness.

Each Friday I drove 18 minutes to teach piano lessons, and this week it became the drive of my life. I had been dealing with little bits of suicidal and self harm thoughts in the weeks leading up to this point, but knowing I was missing out on a family party (that they all appeared to be enjoying without me) put me in a dangerous position. The first obstacle was an intersection where the cross traffic drove 60 miles an hour. “Just do it there” my “Host” told me. “It could be quick, you certainly wouldn’t survive it, it’s perfect.” NO. I fought back. I couldn’t do that. My light was green anyway.

The next obstacle was a semi truck driving my direction at 45 miles an hour. “That will be good too! Just casually cross that line just in time. No way to survive that.”

Then it was the freeway and the miles of concrete barriers and the street lights just calling for me to run into them.

Each second was a battle between me and my Host. I was getting tired and so, SO sick of fighting. I had spent months coping with all the usual strategies: exercise, service, healthy foods, getting out of the house, counseling, praying, etc. And here I was in the fight of my life, not seeing any end in sight. I was exhausted. When I got to the last portion of my drive in a 25 mph neighborhood, I knew I had won the battle for the time being. But now more than ever, I knew the Host would win the war one day. I immediately began to think of other ways to give in and am grateful my life wasn’t full of options.

The irony of this whole thing is that I spent YEARS praying I would never get in an accident again, or that if I did I would just die. I never wanted to live through that again. And here I was wanting to get in an accident. Here I was, thinking about putting myself in one. It was as if my PTSD, anxiety, and depression all came together against me.

I didn’t let myself drive alone again for a long time. Week after week, Sheldon would load the kids up and take me to my piano lessons, and anywhere else I needed to go. I went through my house looking for anything that could harm me and had it removed.

I did not win the war that day, but I got one day closer to winning. I chose to stay when it seemed so much easier not to. The days afterward weren’t magically better, but choosing to stay on that drive gave me the strength to find help, which weakened that voice.

If any of my readers are feeling this way now:

Choose to stay when it is the hardest.

One day you will smile again, and you will feel that smile in your soul. One day you will laugh again! You will feel loved again! You will love yourself again. It will be okay.

But for now, just choose to stay.

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Grandpa’s Pancakes

It has been a HOT MINUTE since I posted a recipe! I promise I still cook. Most of the time.

This recipe is one that I have wanted to share but I AM HAVING THE HARDEST TIME. The recipe itself it a simple one, but it brings back SO MANY wonderful memories.

Ever since I can remember, my dad has been up before 8 on Saturday mornings making pancakes. Usually, these pancakes are made from flour that was freshly ground in the grinder that had just woken me up, but did I mind? Not that I remember! That grinder is the sound of Saturday mornings!

While I have no idea how this tradition started (maybe my grandpa started it)? It has continued on!

After the oldest flew the coop, Saturday morning pancakes was the time they would come back. One time, my brother drove through the night from Missouri to Utah to surprise us just in time for pancakes. Friends and extended family are invited. It can sometimes be a huge ordeal!

When I left for college, I also made sure that my own trips home included pancakes.

You just don’t miss them.

Why are they so good? Perhaps because they are usually made with freshly ground flour. Or because my dad has perfected the art of pouring, and flipping them. It could also be because they are served at 8 am on the dot. Most likely though, it because they are always shared with excellent conversation with people we love. ❤️

Without any further ado, here it is folks!

Grandpa’s Pancakes

Perfect, traditional, breakfast pancakes! 🥞 These are best served with butter, maple syrup, and milk.
Print Recipe Pin Recipe
Course Breakfast
Cuisine American

Ingredients
  

  • 2 cups Flour whole wheat is good, but my fav has whole and white 👌
  • 2 tbsp Sugar
  • 2 tbsp Baking Powder
  • 2 cups Milk
  • 2 eggs
  • 1/4 tsp salt
  • 1/4 cups oil

Instructions
 

  • Mix the dry ingredients in a bowl first. Then create an indention in the middle and add the wet. Mix the wet together and then incorporate the dry. It is ok if it's a little lumpy.

If you need a griddle, check this one out in my shop. I LOVE THIS GRIDDLE! And I rarely have strong opinions about kitchen appliances. It cooks evenly, fits 8 pancakes at once (if you’re a good flipper like me 😏), and doesn’t take up a ton of room. Mind you, the one Grandpa uses is much larger, fitting 12 pancakes. You can find that one here.

And lastly, it is important to note that Grandpa’s Pancakes are NEVER served with store bought syrup. Stay tuned for the maple syrup we use!

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You Are Special

As a child, I read this book thinking of all the pretty people I knew, the ones getting all the good grades, who had all the designer clothes, Razr scooters, etc. The “popular” kids. I felt comfort in thinking that I am still special, regardless of those things.

But what about now? Here we are, as adults DOING THE EXACT SAME THING. We take comfort in validation we get from blogs like mine, ensuring that we are not the only ones who are a mess, or podcasts, or instagram accounts, or memes. WE put the dots and stars on OURSELVES day in and day out as we fill our lives with judgements and validation from the cyber world.

There is such a fine line between learning from each other for the sake of learning, and learning for the sake of feeling either less than or validated.

WHY do we all seek validation, or ⭐️ from someone else?

We are all inherently beautiful. We are all inherently special.

I think the world needs this book again. I needed this book again.

As an amazon associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

(Image is a link to purchase on Amazon).

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Fuel Level

I absolutely love this perspective from a friend of mine! And have felt it benefit my attitude and motivation, I hope it can help y’all.

“I had a good conversation with David this evening about how I tend to want to push myself to the breaking point because I feel like that’s how I show that I’m doing all that I can. And I had the image of a fuel gauge come into my head. And with it was this analogy:

In life, I for some reason have this notion in my head that I need to use up every last drop of fuel in my tank before I can stop to refill it. Yet in reality that’s not the smart or even a responsible thing to do. I have this part of me that says I have to push myself as far as I can go to prove that I tried my hardest.

But what I need to to when the low fuel light comes on is to pull over at the next gas station so I don’t end up running on fumes and risk getting stranded on the side of a road. I need to learn what my warning signs are and heed them instead of pushing through them. Or better yet fill up earlier, before the red light turns on, and save the time it would take later in getting a tow truck, or the stress of wondering if I can make it to a gas station in time.

Also if you think about it in terms of distance, or growth, who will move the farthest the quickest; the person who always stops ahead of time to get fuel or the person who drives on fumes and had to get a tow truck all the time because they end up stranded in the middle of nowhere?

In my future home I want to put a sign on the wall that says something like “how is your fuel level today?” And have a fuel gauge below it. That way I can be reminded everyday to take some time to recharge. As David said, he likes to fill up his gas tank when it’s 1/2 full on our long trips because we never know how long it will be until we find another gas station. In life we never know when an unknown challenge will hit like a child getting sick or a friend needing help. We need to be ready and have enough fuel to make it through a trial. Like the parable of the ten virgins we need to have oil in our lamps and gas in our tanks.”

What sort of things do you do to “fuel up?” Do you STOP when those warning signs appear? Do you know those warning signs?

A HUGE part of coping is KNOWING where you are emotionally so that you can plan your life accordingly.

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EMDR

“Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing” is a form of therapy that I just recently learned about and I am just blown away. A friend of mine recently posted about how it completely changed her life– she had suffered from intense anxiety for a long, long time. And that was with the usual coping mechanisms! Then she found EMDR and it changed her life.

I didn’t really get what it was at first, so I reached out to someone from my hometown that is now an EMDR therapis, to learn about what it REALLY is and how it works. I am so glad I did! This process is INCREDIBLE and so many people’s lives have changed because of it. Here is what she had to say:

Hi, I am an MSW who specializes in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy.  Maybe you have heard of EMDR as an effective therapy for PTSD.  Besides PTSD, EMDR has been found effective in treating anxiety and panic attacks, depression, stress, phobias, sleep problems, complicated grief, addictions, pain relief, phantom limb pain, self-esteem and performance anxiety.  EMDR is effective in resolving any negative thoughts a person might have about themselves.  Common negative thoughts such as “I’m not good enough,” “I’m unlovable,” “I’m not worthy,” “It was my fault,” etc. are beliefs I target and resolve with EMDR.   

The body has the natural ability to heal itself, but sometimes disturbing events can overwhelm the body’s ability to cope.  This is often referred to as a traumatic event.  Some people like to categorize traumatic events as big T traumas such as a motor vehicle accident, exposure to war, physical abuse, sexual assault or losing a loved one versus little t traumas such as neglect, divorce, interpersonal conflict, illness, infidelity, or financial troubles.  I do not like to make the distinction, because what may be a little t trauma for one person might be a big T trauma for another and vice versa.  

When the body’s ability to cope is overwhelmed by disturbing experiences, the memories are not able to be processed by the brain.  Memories and feelings are stored in an emotional form in the limbic system of the brain, which is linked to emotions and physical sensations and is disconnected from the logical part of the brain which uses language to store memories.  This is why EMDR is so effective compared to talk therapy–it accesses the limbic system, reprocessing disturbing memories which are stored in the nervous system and after they are reprocessed, they are no longer disturbing.  My clients report changes in thoughts, feelings and images, which often result in new insights that resolve the disturbance.  The body is also able to release tension that was stored in the nervous system.  

The mechanism that facilitates this healing is not certain, but the theory is that the eye movements or other bilateral stimulation (BLS) such as tapping or auditory stimuli are similar to REM sleep, the portion of the sleep cycle where your brain processes the events of the day.  As I ask my clients to recall disturbing images, I administer BLS and then ask them what they notice.  They may notice a new image, thought, emotion or bodily sensation.  It is not necessary that they report the details of the disturbing memories.  The resolution comes from within the client themselves and I do not make suggestions unless they become stuck.  I sometimes incorporate inner child work if it is needed for healing past childhood issues, and I find this is very effective in helping my clients heal themselves.  

When a client comes to me for EMDR therapy, the first session is very similar to a session of talk therapy.  There is a lot of history taking, but in a very trauma-informed way.  Next, I teach the client coping skills for any anxieties that may come up in between sessions.  I teach grounding skills so that clients won’t experience a full flashback or other dissociation during the session.  Within a few sessions I can usually start desensitization and reprocessing with BLS.  EMDR is generally a brief therapy and some clients only need a few sessions to resolve trauma.  Clients with more complex trauma sometimes require more preparation before desensitization and reprocessing can begin.  If you are interested in learning more about EMDR and the research emdr.com is a good source.  If you want to locate an EMDR therapist near you go to emdria.org and search for a certified EMDR therapist.  If you have questions, feel free to reach out to me at cwallemdr808@gmail.com or you may find me at @emdr808 on Facebook.

Carrie Wallace, MSW

Utah EMDR Therapist

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Flying With Kids

I have had a couple requests to share my ideas for flying with littles.

We have flown several times with children. Sheldon and I first flew with Adelina when she was a two and a half month old (and she was a CRANKY 2-month-old, let me tell you). We flew from California to Utah together but I returned with just Adelina. We flew with Sawyer when he was about 4 months old. Then we flew to Denver and back with both kids at 3 and 1 (with a layover). Since then I have flown 3 times WITH kids and WITHOUT Sheldon.

4 out of 9 of those trips were just the kids and me, and I STILL LOVE TO FLY! Flying with kids has become a fun adventure for all of us. Each trip we have learned a few more things. Here are the things I wish I had known from the beginning:

CHECK-IN

The less stuff you have to haul through security and the airport, the better. I try to check as much stuff as possible. I only keep out a diaper or two, snacks, spit rags, and a FEW entertainments. I know flying with kids makes you want to pack it all and the kitchen sink, DO NOT GIVE IN TO THE TEMPTATION. It will make the trip much smoother if you can fit everything into bags that can be easily carried. I cannot stress this enough. It is so stressful when they change your gate and you have to run across the airport carrying 3 bags – because your kids refuse to carry theirs – and stuff is falling out of your diaper bag. Just don’t do it.

Carseats and Strollers

I like to check my carseats with the suitcase. They usually put them in a nice plastic bag for you and whisk them away, all free of charge. You can do this with your stroller too. My stroller, however, I like to keep with me until the plane ( “gate check”). Strapping kids into it can make maneuvering through crowds much easier! You won’t have to carry any of your bags. And if you are in a hurry you can actually move quickly, rather than dragging little legs behind you. Keep the stroller.

Sometimes they’ll give you a tag when you check in at the counter, but I often take my stroller all the way to the gate and ask for one there. Be sure to ask for one BEFORE they call for boarding (more on this later). Or you may have to wait until everyone has boarded..not fun.

TSA

Going through security with children can be SO STRESSFUL. But here are some things you should know:

  1. Food and drink requirements are DIFFERENT if you’re traveling with children. Applesauce packets are fine, you can bring breastmilk in small portions, children’s ibuprofen, etc. I put all my food items in a ziploc bag when packing and I pull it out to place in a tray separately, like shoes. TELL the officers that you have it. They will almost always screen the formula powder separately and will sometimes screen other food too.
  2. Kids can keep their shoes on. You still can’t.
  3. The stroller has to be screened as well. If it can fold and fit on the belt they usually prefer that: if not, they screen it later. Be sure not to grab it until someone says it’s okay.
  4. General TSA stuff: Tablets need to be pulled out and placed separately, but phones do not.

9 times out of 10 the TSA officers are kind, understanding, and helpful. If you happen to get one that is less than kind, just remember that they are doing their job to keep us safe and a jerk probably yelled at them for something dumb 10 minutes ago. True or not, it helps me not get offended or hurt!

In the Airport

If things went as planned and you got to the airport 2 hours early and security was smooth, you will likely have time to kill while waiting.

To-Do: Essentials

Get a tag for your stroller. They put it on the stroller so you can identify it after the flight and you can just ask the people behind the desk at your gate.

Fill water bottles – don’t forget the baby bottle for the formula! Also, for the older kids, it’s hard to find white milk in airport stores. We had to do strawberry milk once.

Go to the bathroom – if you are traveling with a potty trained child with a small bladder I recommend just putting them in a pull up. It’s safer than stressing about going potty when they can’t.

To-Do: For fun!

Eat a snack or two

Watch the airplanes fly in!

Play “I Spy”

I try to find a less crowded area with the kids, usually an unused gate nearby. They seem to be able to sense the anxiety in the air when it’s crowded and people are lining up and it can just be a lot for them.

Inflight

Now comes the fun part! Sometimes you have lots of time to fill before the plane even takes off. I use this time to get bags where I want and can reach them, we talk about expectations and I get them excited for the flight itself. Some dialogue like the following:

“I am so excited for take off! We go really, really fast and then you can feel us IN THE AIR! It is so amazing.”

“Sometimes, when we fly through the clouds, it gets really bumpy like a roller coaster. It will be okay though! If you are scared you can hold my hand, or the arm rest.”

The trick here, I believe, is to never let them catch a whiff of anxiety on you. Let’s be honest, especially your first time, that may be the most overwhelming feeling, but if you can “be strong for them” and just put on a face of confidence for a little while, they will fare so much better. And soon, you will FEEL better too.

Takeoff

Take off really is so fun. It will never get old to me. As the airplane climbs though, the pressure can hurt the little one’s ears. I usually breastfeed at this point- not only does it relieve the pressure in the ears, but it also puts them to sleep, resulting in less stress. Bottles work great as well. For older kids I give them a snack. I’ve heard that suckers help as well. I haven’t done suckers – they can be really messy with my kids – but any chewing and swallowing helps! This can also be a good bribery point. “Once we take off, you get to have a snack!”

Honestly, I don’t think my kids have ever complained about ears. I know it bothers the infants, but mine have always done well to just drink or breastfeed.

In Flight Entertainment

Books are a mom’s best friend in the flight. Is there a child alive who doesn’t enjoy being read to by their parents? I could sit and read to them for hours and they wouldn’t fuss. They only take a tiny bit of room in a bag, too. This worked better with a 2 and 4 year old than when I had an infant as well, infants make that a challenge.

Coloring books are fun, but I recommend the triangle crayons! They don’t roll.

Screens work. I got some awesome toddler headphones (like these in the shop) that can connect to each other and they are fantastic! We downloaded lots of fun apps and a few movies. What more do you need? In fact, this last flight when I had all three kids to myself, this was a LIFE SAVER. I didn’t have any books (my bad!) and I couldn’t do much to entertain them because my baby was a lot.

As far as snacks go, my favorites include: granola bars, non-crumbly crackers like wheat thins, puffs for the babies, applesauce pouches, goldfish. Really anything your kids like that they can manage without making a huge mess. Now that I think about it, a couple of tortillas would be a good idea with mine! They love eating them and they would take some time.

Snacks to avoid: crumbly crackers like Ritz, cereal bars with jelly in the middle that break, bottles that can spill, etc.

Cleanup

The ziploc I packed the snacks in becomes our inflight garbage which is so nice to have! I also keep wipes easily accessible. Honestly though, there is no way they plane will be left spotless and that is okay. Just do your best!

Flying with kids really can be a fun experience for everyone. There are usually nice people who will think your kids are adorable. Don’t worry about noise, the planes themselves are noisy enough that it blocks out a lot of sound. And no matter what, the flight does eventually end!

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Help Wanted!

Ok. That sounds weird. But! My vision for this blog is to be a platform for voices from all walks of life who deal with all sorts of challenges in different ways. If you or someone you know have a story or experience that you feel could benefit others, feel free to contact me!

kiana@happymommacoping.com

In the meantime, have an amazing week 😎

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Memorial

My son is buried in an unmarked grave.

At first I chose that course because I didn’t want to make a huge fuss. My mother delivered a still born son that was whisked away from her without even a second thought of a proper burial. So, why would mine deserve anything else? At least I was getting a graveside service.

That decision was made before I knew much about grieving. I didn’t know how I would long to have something, ANYTHING besides the hole in my heart to prove his existence. The cemetery is full oheadstones, each one representing a LIFE. No one would know I had a baby there.

During one visit I had the thought: I cannot be the only one who feels this way.

So I had the great idea of putting a memorial for all the infants buried there without a headstone. I got permission from the city and started doing some research. Before too long the process was stopped so that someone who needed an Eagle Scout project could do it.

but I had friends that had lost babies. They had headstones. They had places to take flowers and families. They had photos of their lifeless babies. Some had mini shrines, a testimony of their love.

I began to feel like I had made the wrong choice. Did my choice mean I loved him less than they loved their children? If I had loved him would I be doing more? I was jealous and sad and felt like my pain was not big enough, and that it was not small enough at the same time. What was the appropriate amount of attention to bring to this situation?
My heart said he deserved the world. He deserved a whole life full of love and laughter and chocolate, all the good things.
So why didn’t I even give him a headstone?!

Bless my therapist who asked me: WHY? Why does it matter? Do you think he cares if he has a headstone? Does he care if the world knows he existed? Would he be sad to know that someone walked through the cemetery and didn’t know he was there? Um no.

It took some time to change my thought processes, but because I was brought to that awareness, I realized that all that stuff wasn’t about him at all, it was about me. He isn’t hurting because he doesn’t have a headstone. I needed to realize that so that I could forgive myself. I no longer suffer with regret for not doing more. There are many ways in which he has altered the course of our lives and we do our best to show gratitude.

There is no right way to do this sort of thing. I do not love my son any less than those who have done more.

Last year when I was struggling so deeply, a friend of mine came to my parents house where I was staying and showed me the plans her son had made for a memorial to be placed in that part of the cemetery.

I sobbed. It was as though he was giving me a gift (through my friend), now that I understood it wasn’t about him, it is about me.

I took my family to see it for the first time. Now I can sit there! And though others may not recognize it as representing someone’s life, I do. And I hope there are other mothers and fathers and friends who can feel that that bench is for them too.