It seems apparent to me that there is a WHOLE lot more mental illness now than there used to be. I am sure some of that is a result of more visibility for the topic, but after reading this story I think perhaps one reason the increased instances of PTSD are due to the medical advances that save souls who have traveled to the edge of mortality. We survive harder things. This mom I met as a missionary and have looked up to from day one. She is strong and beautiful and has always just exuded joy and love. Here is Sydney’s Story:
The Source:
I feel like there are a lot of factors that brought on PTSD, anxiety, and postpartum depression; just as there have been many factors that have brought on my healing.
There was definitely a big event that triggered the PTSD, but I have always mildly struggled with anxiety. Plus, I had never had much experience with newborns so I was terrified of anything happening to my son. These things culminated and resulted into me being a complete mess but it was a time of growth and learning. Just as a warning- my story gets graphic in the delivery room so feel free to skip it.
It started when I was pushing, delivering my baby boy. The pregnancy and most of the labor had gone smoothly and I was so excited to meet my baby boy! As I was pushing, the midwife decided that I needed an episiotomy. As soon as the cut was made, my son came through insanely fast. Turns out the episiotomy should have been made a lot earlier and my son’s head was also in the 99% percentile. Not only was there a cut from the episiotomy, but I also ended up with a third degree tear, a peri-urethral tear, and an artery had torn so I began bleeding out right away.
(Thank heavens I felt strongly prompted to get an epidural when I did, if I did not I feel like the mental scarring would have been a lot worse.) My boy was suddenly on my stomach and I was so happy! But I couldn’t get him up to my chest. I asked myself: “why did they put him so low?” I noticed his umbilical cord was pretty short… “why were they not asking me to push again to deliver the placenta?”
After the initial moment of pure bliss of admiring my baby, I took a look around to figure out why they still weren’t asking me to deliver the placenta. I wanted to hold my baby closer, and it was annoying that I couldn’t. There were a lot of people in the room rushing around that I did not notice before. There was a lot of blood on the floor and even on the wall behind the midwife. The midwife was shaky and I heard her tell her assistant “I cannot find the bleeding”. I looked at my mom (who is an RN and worked in deliveries at the time) and my mom was sheet white. I asked her if everything was okay and my mom nodded and weakly said yes. I knew right away she was lying. I heard someone tell me (which after all the chaos I now realize it was the Spirit) “just let them do their work. You cannot feel anything so you just enjoy your baby.”
I got to enjoy my baby and look into his eyes and relish in the bliss with my amazing and supportive husband. But still, I could not bring my baby closer to me. I finally heard the midwife on the phone with someone in the OR saying “there is a torn artery and we cannot stop the bleeding”.
I felt myself growing weaker and weaker. I started getting scared and immediately thought that this might be the only time I would ever have with my baby. I asked my husband for a blessing. One of the nurses in the room heard my request and went to ask for another priesthood holder to help my husband with the blessing. But I asked my husband to start the blessing anyway because I felt so weak and started wondering how much time I had before going unconscious. I do not remember the blessing, I just remember two things that happened after the blessing: I heard someone tell me once more (again, it was the Spirit) say “just take this time to enjoy your son.” (Which kind of scared me cause it made me speculate on how much of “this time” I had left. ) And I also heard the midwife on the phone with the OR saying “we have found the bleeding and the bleeding has slowed down considerably.” That seemed like a miracle in itself.
Since they found the bleeding and the midwife had the damaged artery clamped with her hand, they had me deliver the placenta and they cleaned up my son and weighed him. Shortly after, a second priesthood holder came in and helped my husband with a second blessing. After that blessing, I felt that everything would be okay. The midwife had to keep the artery clamped down for over 40 minutes while they waited for the surgeon to come in to stitch me up because the damage was so great. Clean up and stitching took over 2 hours. I lost a lot of blood and had a lot to recover from. I couldn’t recognize my body anymore.
They took me to the bathroom to clean me up. The nurse told my husband to wait with me in the bathroom while she helped the other nurses with the soaked sheets. As my husband was trying to help me in the bathroom, I passed out on the floor. I woke up looking at the bathroom ceiling, the nurse holding my legs high above my head and another nurse near my head. DeGrey was next to one of the nurses, trying to help. Panic set in. “WHERE IS THE BABY? WHO IS WITH THE BABY?” They reassured me that he was swaddled and in his crib sleeping. I did not believe them. I told Grey to sit with the baby. If I could have gone from fine to bleeding to death in a matter of minutes then that meant my helpless baby could die any second- at least that’s what my mind convinced me to believe for the next year.
The nurses, as well as everyone else, would mention how scary the last bit of the delivery had been and told me that I went through a lot. I was told that once I got home, I should not leave the house for at least 3 weeks because if anything were to happen like a car wreck, I would not have enough blood to survive.
Recovery:
For the next couple of weeks I did not sleep- even when my son was asleep. I would stare at my baby the entire time to make sure he was breathing. My mom and my husband would force me to sleep and would sit and watch the baby sleep so I could sleep. They became my greatest supports. It was really hard when my mom left for home (she and my dad lived out of state at the time.) The next several months I struggled mentally worse than I ever had in my life.
My mind started messing with me. I would wake up screaming, scouring through the sheets and blankets convinced that my son was tangled and trapped in the sheets- when in reality he was safely sleeping in his crib. At one point if I saw a spider (we lived in a basement at the time) I would not smash it because I was convinced that the spider’s life force was somehow connected to my son’s and if I killed the spider then my son would die, too. I would have nightmares that I died in delivery and that I could not be there for my son. I would have nightmares, or just be convinced while I was awake, that my son would stop breathing and would die.
When I started getting my period back, the cramps would send me into panic attacks because it reminded me of when I was in labor and would make me re-live those scary moments and “what if’s” in the delivery room. Intrusive thoughts came all the time, whether it was about my own demise, my son’s demise, or thoughts about harming my son or myself. I would never ever act on those harmful thoughts, but the intense and dark thoughts would come so often and were so disturbing. I had lost my mind. I feel like I cried every day for the first year of my son’s life.
Healing:
I got blessings what seemed like every day. I began seeing a therapist. A big turning point was when I was in a community play about 6 months after my son was born. That helped more than anything because it got me feeling like I was myself again. The character I played (her name was Ida) was not afraid to take risks, she loved and enjoyed life. She was so brave. Ida became an inspiration to me and I was the one who brought her to life- just like my son was an inspiration to me and I was the one who brought my son to life. That play helped me feel like a mother.
Creativity has always been a healing factor in my life, and it still is. I began drawing again after that play and made creativity a priority. The second year of my son’s life became easier although panic attacks happened still. I tried to have more meaningful scripture studies and prayers. I prayerfully made changes in my life to forgive things that happened to me in my past. I went back to therapy and ended up taking medication. I wrote in my journal and began seeing patterns in my life that God has given me and helped me through.
Healing is not a linear thing, there are ups and downs and lessons to be learned.
Now that my son is approaching his 3rd birthday, I finally feel like I am back to normal. Well, not back to normal, but that I have grown and healed into a better person. I have learned (and continue to learn) to trust my Heavenly Father to control things that I cannot, to trust that my son will cry or signal me for his needs, and to trust myself and my motherly instincts. Although I still have fears of having another baby when that time comes, I know that I have gained the experience and tools to help me through more challenges in the future. I have a wonderful support system, talents that I love to focus on, the rewarding feeling of being a mom, and my Savior- Jesus Christ who has taken this journey with me every step of the way. Healing is not a linear thing, there are ups and downs and lessons to be learned.
My healing has taken a lot of time and a lot resources, but it has made all of this a very long yet sweet journey so far that I hope can tell to help others some day.
