There is Hope

I came across this story in a group I am a part of on Facebook and I knew it needed to be here. It has not been quite a year since my own close encounter with suicide and that is a story I have not quite been able to write out, but Shantelle did so beautifully. She has put into words feelings that I have not been able to. Here is her story:

April 27, 2019 was the scariest day of my life. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the first or last time something like this happened, but it was probably the worst. My husband, Kyle, was on a campout with the boys in our church, and I was all alone with my kids. This shouldn’t have been a big deal, except that I was in the darkest depths of depression imaginable for weeks before that, so taking care of the basic responsibilities by myself for a whole extra day was so overwhelming. Our bishop asked me if I would be okay before inviting my husband to go along. I wanted to give Kyle this opportunity and I wanted to believe that I could be okay, so I told the bishop it was fine.

I only got a couple of hours of broken sleep the night Kyle was gone between my lonely, scared, overwhelmed sobs. The next morning, I thought he would be home around noon, so I turned on show after show for my kids, trying to survive until he would get back. Noon came and went. My house was a disaster, but I couldn’t clean it. I couldn’t do anything. I was so overwhelmed and overcome with depression.

And then something happened. Something in my brain snapped, and I thought of a very specific plan of how to die. It seemed perfect. I knew it would work, and then I would be free from this unbearable weight that I was currently carrying on my own. I was not capable of remembering in that moment how devastated my husband and kids would be without me or the possibility of feeling better someday, so I moved forward.

I knew my kids needed to be taken care of, so I thought of someone I could leave them with. I started getting them ready to drop off at this person’s house when the thought came into my mind, “Give someone a chance to save you.”

“Give someone a chance to save you.”

I stopped getting my kids ready to leave, went to my room, and laid in my bed for the next hour trying to formulate the words to tell someone how much I was struggling. My whole body was shaking, and I was so scared to tell anyone what was happening inside my mind. I didn’t want to tell my husband, because I desperately wanted him to still be able to enjoy doing something I knew he loved without worrying about me. So I finally worked up the courage to send a group text to three trusted friends and then curled up in a tight ball, sobbing in such bitter pain. Almost immediately, one of these friends called me and said she was on her way to pick up me and my kids and would be there soon. I knelt down and asked God to give me just enough strength to survive until I wasn’t alone anymore. The tears flowed, and I couldn’t imagine enduring even one more moment. Pretty soon, my friend arrived and wrapped my shaking body and broken heart in love. I stayed with her for some time before returning home to my husband.

The weeks following this dark day were so hard. I felt broken, like my heart could never heal, and I would never be the same again. I felt like a hollow shell of who I once was, like I was going through the motions of life with no purpose or feeling anymore. This feeling lingered for a long time, and sometimes I wondered if my light had gone out forever.

Fast forward one year to today. Looking back on this day still brings tears to my eyes and pain to my heart, but I don’t feel broken anymore. I’m not magically healed or completely fixed, but I’m not in that dark place fighting for life every single day. If I could have known one year ago how good life would be today, I would have been amazed and full of hope, trusting in better days to come. But I couldn’t see that one year ago, and in the instability of my mind at that time, I almost acted on an indescribable pain with a permanent solution. I never would have made it to this wonderful time in my life when I feel happiness, how much my family loves and needs me, and the desire to live again.

If you are in the place I was in one year ago, please hold on. Please. There really are better days ahead. I couldn’t feel that for myself for several years. I relied completely on other people repeating that truth to me. But now I can feel it again for myself, and I want to share it with anyone who needs it. Choose to stay. Choose to reach out to someone for help. You are loved and worth saving. You’ll never know how good life can be a year from today unless you stay to find out. It’s worth it. I promise.

April 23, 2020May 4, 2020

ESA- An Observation

We got a bunny last week!!
We were planning on getting one for Easter because my parents have had some baby rabbits the last little while and my little girl started saying she wanted a pet rabbit every time we saw them on FaceTime. But when we went to get one just before Easter, they were ALL GONE EVERYWHERE. They were sold out from every store that would possibly have them. So, the Easter bunny came a few days late.

He is SO fluffy and has the funniest personality.

As I held that bunny and pet it I thought about ESAs: Emotional Support Animals.

I have owned 3 different pets since I was diagnosed with depression in 2017. None of them were specifically acquired to be emotionally supportive, but they have all, in their own way, helped and occasionally hurt. Here are my current observations.

Sassy:

Sassy was a cute, teeny tiny rescue we bought when we bought our first house. We were finally out from under an apartment contract and that was the first thing we wanted to do with our freedom! She was really small, practically potty trained when we got her, and very snuggly. She didn’t love kids, but she didn’t hurt them either so that was good. Because of her size our two year old could handle her on a leash.

When we took long car trips Sassy sat on my lap. It didn’t take long for me to realize that my panic attacks were not nearly as frequent when she was on my lap. In fact I caught myself as one was just beginning and consciously pet her to get out of it. It was AWESOME! Nothing I had tried up to that point had really worked to tame the attacks.

Gabe:

Gabe is a cockapoo we got from a friend of mine dealing with her own intense struggles. They had just lost a dog that had become family, she was newly pregnant and very sick, and let’s just say- POTTY TRAINING A DOG IS NOT GOOD FOR MENTAL HEALTH. So in an effort to help her, and because that face, we took him in.

We were all really excited, but Sheld was ecstatic, it felt like Christmas for him.

At first things DID NOT go very well. I too was newly pregnant, and sick, and Sheldon was really busy with school, and we were renting a house with all carpet, no fence, and a busy street in front. Potty training, and training him in general under those circumstances ended up being very stressful for me. He never came when we called, he peed on EVERYONE who came to the house, and he barked at anyone who came by. I had heightened anxiety and frustration.

After a couple months though, a visitor mentioned to me how good of a dog Gabe was and for the first time I saw it! He was good! We had finally potty trained him, once he got out when we were gone and we came home to find him on our porch-he isn’t a runner, and he has always been very tolerant of the two toddlers harassing him.

When my depression got the worst he always knew. He’d follow me around and lay at my feet or snuggle up next to me. It is incredible to me how they just know! His nearness often brought me comfort. It always helped to ground me when things got too crazy.
He is such a fun, quirky, and loyal companion. He makes me laugh, protects the home (or at least thinks he does), and is always close by when I’m down.

Cookies:

Meet our newest friend! This is Cookies, who was first named Rabby, and then Cotton, but finally Cookies. He is HILARIOUS. Maybe all bunnies are this way? But watching him explore our house and clean his face and hop has brought me way more joy than I would have imagined! Seriously, even just watching him eat makes me smile.

Also, petting a rabbit is incredibly calming. I have not had very many bad days lately, which is awesome, but I could feel a difference just holding and petting him. There is something to calming a bunny down-you can’t help but be calm.

Once in your arms, as long as they feel safe, they don’t try and jump away. They just sit there and take all the love.

Also, his care regimen is surprisingly simple. We fill his water once a week, and his food every couple days.

He doesn’t love us yet, so that isn’t particularly helpful emotionally, but we just got him. Also, I am allergic to him but it will just help me vacuum a bit more!

Conclusion:

The best emotional support animals are bunnies. But a potty trained dog will do the trick!

April 3, 2020June 2, 2020

Chicken Spaghetti

Alright y’all. This one is definitely one of my top 5 favorite meals, both to make and to eat. It’s easy, delicious, tastes like home, FAST. Seriously, one of the best meals to know how to make.

As per usual, feel free to have some give and take with these ingredients! I have listed what I did the last time I made it.

Ingredients

Pasta (1/2 lb.)
Chicken (1 breast)
Onions (1/2 yellow or white)
Celery (2-5 stalks, depending on how many veggies you still need to get your servings for the day 😜)
Olives (1/2 can chopped, or sliced)
Cream of Chicken Soup (1 can)
Shredded Cheese (1/2 cup)

Instructions

Cut chicken into bite sized pieces and cook in a frying pan.

Sauté the onions and celery and start the pasta.

Put the chicken and veggies together in the pan as well as one can of cream of chicken soup, including most of the can of water. *I add it a little at a time until it has reached the consistency I want which is often based on what pasta I use.

When the soup is all warm, add the olives and a handful of shredded cheese.

Once the pasta is done, I like to add it to my soup mixture.

It is a wonderful and easy meal! I hope you enjoy!

While I usually use spaghetti, egg noodles were fun.

March 25, 2020May 4, 2020

Breaking the Monotony: Indoor Camping

A lot of times, when I find myself in a funk, it is because I seem to be doing the same things over and over. Change is good for me, I am one of those personalities that THRIVES on change. My husband? He could eat the same things every day, do the same things every day and be ok. However, when I start to get that way I get bored and depressed.

And I TELL. YOU. WHAT. I may have not been as affected by the quarantine business as much others because I live a fairly isolated life to begin with, but it is taking its toll. (BLESS YOU MOTHERS WHOSE LIVES HAVE BEEN TURNED UPSIDE-DOWN) Not only have we been confined TO our own house, but it has been raining for so long that we have been confined IN our house. No walks or yard work or playing outside. I have truly begun to feel very much quarantined and in a funk with little to look forward too.

The solution is quite simple though: change it up!

Before when this would happen, I could plan a date with the hubby, or a vacation in the future. This time, however, not only can I NOT plan outings, I had to cancel some I was very much looking forward too.

But I truly am on a mission to fight my down days. So I decided yesterday that instead of succumbing to the depression that was creeping in, I was going to do something fun today: INDOOR CAMPOUT.

(Ok, so the idea may have come when I needed a good bribe to get my kids to stay in their beds, but I was also motivated by the monotony).

Instead of all the work for packing up, finding a place to camp, or even setting up a tent in our backyard (which we couldn’t do anyway because it is so wet) we decided to just do it in the comfort of our own home. But we didn’t just put up a tent to sleep in, we decided to plan things to make the whole evening different and fun. It included:

Tin-Foil Dinners in the oven
Set up a tent in the kids room
Play the game: Camp
As well as Don’t Eat Pete
Finish off with oven s’mores, stories, and songs (we video called some family in for this part)

Now, the kids are still awake WAY past their bedtime and the house is a little messy but I think we made some good memories tonight! And if nothing else, today was different than yesterday.

For details and recipes, click below!

Tin Foil Dinner Recipe

Don’t Eat Pete Download

Oven S’mores

March 25, 2020May 19, 2020

Tin Foil Dinners

One of my favorite things about camping is tin foil dinners cooked in the fire. The combination of flavors mixed with the cool mountain air and sounds of a river are a happy place for me.

I love making them to cook over a fire or on a grill, but they can also be made in your oven.

I am sure there are a million different ways to make them, but here’s what we do!

Ingredients

Ground Beef
Cream of Mushroom soup
Onions
Potatoes
Carrots
Garlic Salt
Onion Powder
Pepper

Instructions

First I cut the carrots, potatoes, and onions into bite sized pieces *if you want it to cook quicker, slice the carrots and potatoes thinner
Lay out the tin foil that has been cut about 18″ long.
Lay a spoonful of the soup in the center of the foil
Place a ground beef patty on top and season
Add another spoonful of soup on top of that
Put the veggies on top of the soup
Roll up the foil and flatten a little bit to help it cook evenly.

When they are all rolled and ready to go, place them in the fire or grill. Depending on how hot your fire is, they can take anywhere from 20-40 minutes. I usually determine that mine is done by checking the meat pinkness and carrot tenderness.

If you are cooking yours at home, cook them on a sheet in an oven that was preheated to 375 degrees for 45 minutes, flipping them at 25 minutes.

They were so fun and delicious! Hope you enjoy!

March 20, 2020March 22, 2020

PLAY: Creative

Our ability to create is what drives our world forward. Without creation, there is no progress, and that ability to create is fostered from the very beginning!

As I have studied these patterns for play, I have found within them so many coping strategies! This one in particular. I personally have found so much peace and strength in creating.

First it was the paintings- I found peace in creating beauty out of the chaos of watercolor. (The fruits of which can be found in my shop).

Most recently I have found it in creating a beautiful back yard through hard, physical labor.

There have been many other projects in between.

Each project starts with an idea-my imagination. And the ability to create is taking an idea and making it a reality. If we can help foster this skill in our young ones, they will be so much better for the world! They will have the ability to change it.

Here are some great ways to create with your kiddos!

Any form of artwork: chalk, clay or play-doh molding, painting, etc.
Write and direct or perform a play
Baking!
Outdoor scavenger hunt-create something will objects found outside
Seasonal Decor: Shamrocks, Easter bunny, Jack-o-lanterns
LEGOs

Today is the last day to enter the giveaway! Don’t forget!

March 19, 2020March 22, 2020

PLAY: Imaginative and Pretend

My most favorite pattern of play!

I knew my daughter was going places when I found her playing with my nail polish, pretending they were people. That was the beginning of a long and very rich life of pretend for her. I mentioned before, she gets so into the story that she has created that she gets offended when other people are not in on it too:

“I am NOT LINA, I am MARY.”

Now, she has taught her 2 year old brother all her tricks and they have so much fun! Just today alone they have gone camping, played Frozen 2 and Frozen 54 (I myself played both Anna and a rock giant), built cereal bowls and made breakfast, put objects to bed, talked to grandma on the phone, given mom a haircut (FOR PRETEND)… the list could go on.

*I LOVE her reaction when I play pretend too. It seems to surprise her a little bit, but then she gets the biggest smile and gets even more excited about playing. If ever you and your kid are on rough terms, try jumping into whatever world they are in and see how it changes their demeanor: “can I have a piece of cake, chef Lina?”

**Also try using their pretend names to get them to cooperate. My children aren’t always excited to help me clean or do dishes, unless of course I call them “Cinderella.”

In case this image confuses you: all of those cars have been put to bed and tucked in with blocks as their blankets.

Sometimes, especially when they want me to call them by different names or use objects for things they’re not supposed to be used for, I want to correct them. We as adults think that truth and reality are more important than they really are to these young kids. Yes, they are important, but so is a child’s ability to pretend.

“The ability of the young child to create their own sense of their mind, and that of others, takes place through pretend play, which continues to nourish the spirit throughout life, and remains key to innovation and creativity. Deprivation studies uphold the importance of this pattern of play, as understanding and trusting others and developing coping skills depends on its presence.”
National Institute For Play

The absolute best part about imaginative play is that you can have successful play with ANYTHING. You can spend lots of money on fancy toys, but it doesn’t even matter. I often find Lina playing kitchen on a bed or a chair instead of the fancy pretend kitchen we got for her.

Here are some ways to incorporate this kind of play:

Play “House” or “Family” -pick roles and play out daily lives
Dress Up (Towels are great for hair, capes, skirts, etc.)
Make pretend instruments and play them
Do “pretend” chores (if your smart you will give them real rags 😉)
Create a zoo with stuffed animals and attend
Build a vehicle of some sort–boat, rocket ship, car– and travel somewhere new!
Pick a favorite movie and create new stories by acting them out
Let them be doctors
Draw a scene and make up a story to go with it
Write a book!

Have some fun with this! Anything can be anything. Having an imagination is so important developmentally! So much of the coping I have done as an adult has used my imaginative skills: visualizing, changing a fearful situation into an ok reality, self talk.

Especially in times as uncertain as they are today, let the imaginations and pretend play take our children to worlds that are stress free, safe and fun! They don’t need the cares of the world on their shoulders.

March 18, 2020March 18, 2020

End of the World?

Many years ago I read a scripture in Peter about the last days that really struck me: “And saying, Where is the promise of his coming? for since the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as they were from the beginning of the creation (2 Peter 3:4).” I realized that I could not imagine a day where I woke up and things were different.

Every day I woke up, ate breakfast, went to school or church, spent time with family, etc.

More or less I knew what each day would look like. I could not comprehend a day when I woke up to a different world.

And yet here we are. 8 days ago I went shopping at Sam’s Club getting the usual grub. Except, actually I sent my husband who ended up spending way more than I would’ve. Bless that spend-happy man. 🙏

That was 8 DAYS AGO. Before the world shut down. Everyday we joke about how wild the world is. How different things are. I see jokes, I see people sharing kindness, I see everyone dealing with these crazy circumstances in a million different ways.

Then I woke up today, getting a little bit used to this wild world, to hear that my Utah family was in an EARTHQUAKE.

Really? Wait…. REALLY???

Just insane.

If this last week has taught me anything, it is that everything CAN change overnight. The whole world changed everything in A WEEK. And sure, I’ve heard that the virus might somehow have been a result of someone’s choices. But the earthquake? There is no way that could be political.

And while life is crazy, I haven’t been scared at all. Yes, me, the freak-out-at-a-semi-passing-us-in-a-car lady.

Perhaps it is because I am practiced at managing anxiety (although this level of crazy is a WHOLE NEW LEVEL). But I attribute it to my faith in the reality of the Lord’s second coming and in the Gift of the Holy Ghost who prompted us to shop THE DAY BEFORE it got crazy, and in a prophet that I can trust with my whole heart to prepare us better than anyone else. I am so thankful for living prophets who have, very proactively, prepared us for this! (If you’d like a list of things he’s done to prepare us, lemme know).

Guys, if you don’t know about him, learn! It will change everything, and you can feel peace in this time of turmoil.

I know that there is a great chance that this will all blow over, and it will just be a weird time in history. It probably isn’t THE END, but it doesn’t really matter. We can handle anything that’s coming.

“If ye are prepared ye shall not fear” (D&C 38:30).

I’ve got plenty of work to do, I’m not as prepared as I should be. But at least I know something is coming and I feel like that is half the battle.

March 18, 2020March 18, 2020

PLAY: Social

This pattern of play is a bit tricky during these times. Team sports, play dates, school recess, all of these obvious social play situations have been banned in many of our areas. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t still be social!

Some great ways to keep your children social during this isolation include:

Video call a family member or friend
Write a letter or card to someone
Play with a sibling! Board games, musical chairs, cakewalks, etc. Anything to get them interacting with each other. (Hint: video games aren’t very socially interactive)
Marco Polo is a great app!

Being social, especially right now, is SO IMPORTANT! It helps build emotional connections, something that the world is lacking, badly. Now, as our distractions are limited, is a great opportunity for us to relate to one another and get to know each other better. If there is anything this world needs, now more than ever, I believe it is human connection.

So go and make those connections today!

March 17, 2020March 17, 2020

PLAY: Object

The links in this post are affiliate links and I receive a small commission from them.

I could go on and on about this type of play! In the last couple of months, my children have become masters at playing with their toys. Up to this point I feel like they were interested in anything BUT the toys we bought for them.

However, Object Play is more than just playing with toys. It is learning to manipulate, build and fix objects.

Along with other special patterns of play, the curiosity about and playing with “objects” is a pervasive innately fun pattern of play, and creates its own “states” of playfulness. Early on, toys take on highly personalized characteristics, and as skills in manipulating objects (i.e., banging on pans, skipping rocks, etc.) develop, the richer become the circuits in the brain. Hands playing with all types of objects help brains develop beyond strictly manipulative skills, with play as the driver of this development.
National Institute for Play

I will post links to my favorite toys that promote object play at the bottom of the post, but I want to share one of the BEST things I ever did with my kiddo!

We built some bunkbeds together, the kids helped me sand and paint them. But with all of that we had lots and lots of extra little blocks.

First, I let the kids paint the blocks. I only had ugly gray and black paint, but it turns out they didn’t really care! They had a great time painting and making a mess. I enjoyed watching them 🙂

After these blocks were all dry I thought it would be fun to do some string art. So I bought the little nails and pulled out the hammer we had. I put in a couple nails but something came up and I got distracted.

A little while later I came in to see my 3 year old daughter hammering away! She did a great job at hammering in the little nails. When she filled her own block she even started on her brother’s.

My first thoughts when I walked in on her were definitely all the ways she could hurt herself and that I had neglected her. But this experience taught me that kids are WAAAYYY more capable than we give them credit and if we give them the chance to learn they become so much more independent then if we do everything for them.

Semi-supervised, she hammered nails into that block for at least an hour. She was learning what would happen when she tilted the nail or missed it with the hammer. She was figuring out how much force was required to get the nail in. Her fine motor skills definitely improved after that experience.

In the end, she used the nails to wrap string around.

I love that all this took was some random, left over block.

Here are some toy-free object play ideas:

Cups or a pitcher in water
Pots and pans drum set
Tupperware stacking
Hammering nails
Screwing screws (for the little bit older kids)
Recycling- late them play with boxes!
Scavenger Hunt- send the kids outside with a list of objects to look for! Then turn them into a craft.
Crafts: This Box has been SO FUN at our house!