My first diagnosis was PTSD. I started having funny symptoms about a year after my accident: unreasonable fear of the dark, night terrors, the obvious car terror had been going on the whole time. I started seeing a therapist then.
It wasn’t the best experience. The things he said made me feel like I was just an outlet for him to share his scary stories, but I do acknowledge that talking about the accident, which I did, was a really great thing and I left our visits more in tune with my own status.
I did make leaps and strides during that time even if the therapist didn’t help a ton, processing rational thoughts vs irrational ones. I think acknowledging that I had a problem was a big step. Sheldon was a huge help as we learned to face my fear in the car. One practice he came up with was to stare down semi-trucks as we passed them instead of hiding my face. I still try and do this when my anxiety is a bit heightened.
it got to the point where I thought I was on top of it! Life was grand. I was a mom again. I would still cry and mourn my baby, especially on important days: the accidentiversary, his birthday, his due date, etc. But I was no longer terrified of the dark or having night terrors, and I could survive nice-weather drives without an attack. I was back in school, living close to family, and had a great friend support system.
Then I got pregnant again. And all of a sudden I dipped lower than I ever had before. That was the first time I had suicidal thoughts and it scared me to death! I was not going to have that. So I talked to the OB and got on medication really quickly with the diagnosis of depression.
Fast forward to my next pregnancy and it happened again. This time it was sparked (I believe) by an incredibly stressful 22 hour drive across the country. I knew it because I was surrounded by loved ones and felt unloved.
when I got back home I wanted to try therapy before medication because I was sure it was tied to my PTSD and I wanted to BE DONE WITH THE STINKING ACCIDENT.
so I started therapy again and it was SO MUCH BETTER. We tore apart my experience and I found several things that I had not processed. Parts of my memories returned like brick walls that I had shut out for years. I came face to face with anger and forgiveness I had withheld. I still have a hard time realizing the things I had forgotten.
I’ve learned so many lessons that I hope to share sometime.
But the depression didn’t go away fast enough. I was suicidal again, and this time was worse. The thoughts didn’t seem as foreign this time around. It was BAD.
So I was medicated again! And I am so thankful!
I’ve recently decided to stop my medication. And I have been doing great! I feel empowered with the coping mechanisms I have been given and honestly, have just felt more in control of my emotions. I felt like it was time.
My therapist was not happy. She blamed my happiness on placebo and is sure I’ll be crashing. After we talked she concluded that I probably have cyclothymia- another diagnosis.
Since then I’ve thought about the power of diagnosis.
It is so relieving to know that it “isn’t me,” to have something to blame. It helps take guilt. And it especially helps to know how to effectively medicate.
But it is also hard to feel in control when a diagnosis is made. In a way, it feels like my agency is gone. That I can’t “choose happiness” if I have a disease that makes it so I can’t. And now, even my happy days are a part of that diagnosis. Could it be that my hard work at coping, and my productive successful days are of no credit to me but this new disease?
When I told my mom she said: well that sounds like “personality.” And it got me thinking differently and I have decided to just let it be. I may have cyclothymia, and I will see someone about it, but it will not be a part of who I see myself as. I can’t. I don’t expect to live life void of hard days, that would be ridiculous. And I fully intend to feel good about myself when I have good days.
No diagnosis changes our identity. No diagnosis voids out our hard work. We are children of God with unique challenges and many ways to deal with them. What a wonderful time we live in!
