Epidural

I have kind of a strange relationship with epidurals. I suppose that the fact that I have one at all is strange.

My first pregnancy I was scared to death of an epidural. I had started the hypnobirthing course because nothing about an epidural sounded like a good idea. Huge needles in my back? That could paralyze me? (I have since learned that that is impossible these days), give me headaches, again-huge needle IN MY BACK. No thank you. I was only going to get one if the pain really was bad enough that that option sounded better and I honestly doubted that it would.

But then I was told that I would be delivering a dead baby NOW. I didn’t get 9 months to prepare. I was told that in a moment when I was in so much physical pain that I broke mentally and emotionally. I could not even pee without every muscle involved screaming in protest. Like, not the burning uti pain, but pain receptors I didn’t know existed in muscles and organs I didn’t think could hurt.

I had broken ribs, broken thumb (which causes more trouble than you’d think), bruised arms and apparently bruised every organ inside my body. The thought of GIVING BIRTH under those circumstances was not even fathomable. I was going to die.

So when I was forced to make that decision, it was an easy one.

Don’t be deceived, it was not perfect. The nurse anesthetist gave me some narcotics before beginning (hallelujah) maybe because of the bruising, maybe because he could tell I was terrified. Either way I’m thankful.

After that I don’t remember a lot of details. This is do remember- my blood pressure dropped to a number I didn’t think was possible. To get it up fast they put my IV drop all the way to the ceiling. Then I got a crazy headache but I couldn’t stop shaking. (You’d think these memories would bring back fear or dread or something. They don’t. This was probably the least traumatic part of that whole weekend 😂). Suddenly I had ice on my head and lots of heated blankets everywhere else. Sheldon was rubbing my head. That’s about all I remember. Maybe I was nauseous?

But then it worked! For the first time in 72 hours my whole body wasn’t in so much pain! Coughing still hurt everything above, but nothing below! Maybe I should note that I was recovering from the flu, so coughing was a part of that weekend too- that was a HUGE relief. I could laugh if the chance arose. I wasn’t required to sit myself up. I could relax for the first time in days- literally. I didn’t have to pee in pain. No one was forcing me to get up and walk in pain. They were doing everything they could to relieve as much of the pain as possible and they were the first to do so. I just got to lay there. I seriously could still cry of joy just thinking about the amount of peace that epidural brought me. There are no words. I have never loved a doctor more nor been more grateful for God-given medical procedure. It saved my life.

So yes, I have gotten an epidural all 4 times I’ve labored. Maybe I feel a moral obligation to the thing that saved my life, I don’t know. But I’ve loved them all! Rather than spending my labor trying to mentally escape the pain so I can endure, I am brought to a place of peace before the storm, a place where I can mentally and emotionally be present. I CAN focus on the pain (mine always leaves plenty), and the movements of my baby, the work they are doing, I can think about the process and the spirits who are undoubtedly surrounding me. I can have conversations with my baby that I’m about to hold, I can feel my Jax who started this whole relationship with epidurals, I can feel grateful.

Maybe one day I’ll try the natural route, I hear it’s pretty awesome, but I’m afraid that sacred moment of peace would be taken away, that focusing on my breathing or other endurance techniques would blind me from the minuscule moments I find so beautiful. Although, no doubt something just and special and beautiful would would take their place. No woman can bring a child into this world without a sacred moment.

*Disclaimer: labor is not all sunshine and rainbows with an epidural. My first experience was one of stark contrast. It doesn’t take away all the pain-I still cried through my back labor even that first time. It doesn’t take away the need for your body to push the baby out-literally the same amount of physical work is involved (W=FxD) whether you have an epidural or not. It doesn’t take away the nausea, or the glorious, unspeakable moment of holding that perfect baby in the end, or the recovery afterward.