Never Give Up

This is a beautiful story of hope, of angels, of love, and of never giving up. It is for those especially, who feel like they have gone too far, that there is no coming back. This is a testimony that there is always a way back! That our Savior can reach all who turn to Him in faith. When I read this, I was reminded once again that there are those we cannot see who are here rooting for us and doing what they can. Here is Cherie’s story in her own words:

I am bipolar. Lots of people may know the symptoms of depression, which are part of bipolar disorder. Bipolar people experience alternating depression and mania, which is less common. Symptoms of mania include:

• Feeling abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired
• Increased activity, energy or agitation
• Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria)
• Decreased need for sleep
• Unusual talkativeness
• Racing thoughts
• Distractibility
• Poor decision-making — for example, going on buying sprees, taking sexual risks or making foolish investments

Basically, mania feels like your thoughts and impulses are completely out of control and you can’t think past your actions to their consequences. Manic people tend to do a lot of selfish and impulsive things that get them in trouble, which makes the following depressive episode that much more full of regret and despair.

I had a manic episode recently that took a large toll on my family and could have had very bad consequences for my life if it weren’t for the gospel, my sweet husband, and the healing power of the Savior’s atonement. I’m not an eloquent writer, but here is what I wrote at the time:

“I have been struggling for a long time. I had a manic episode after taking celexa even with lamictal 200mg daily. I got too into the gym. I got into the best shape of my life and it felt great but I started to obsess over it. I started talking to a guy there and got attached. I did stuff that was very wrong. I forgot that I loved [my husband] Andrew. I got used to Andrew and lost any kind of connection. I said horribly mean and shallow things to him. I was embarrassed of him. I didn’t want him to “mess up” what I had at the gym. I just felt nothing for him and despised him for holding me back. I love my kids.

After a lot of discussion, we decided divorce was the only way to get out of this trapped arrangement that both of us were completely miserable in. We told the kids and they fell apart. It was awful. It was the worst feeling in the world. I couldn’t stand to see them crying and feeling so alone. We felt like we just couldn’t do that to them.

I read my patriarchal blessing to try to get some answers about what I was expected to do about Andrew. It did not sound like me at all. I was very depressed. I started to doubt the church for the first time in my life because I thought there was no way I could ever be the person in my blessing so something must not be true. I felt suicidal at times. So did Andrew. I called people in my family who had been through divorce and my parents and closest friends to get advice. I explained that I didn’t love Andrew romantically and didn’t want to pretend to be happy with him out of obligation. I saw him as a brother. He was so sweet to me through all of this. He held on when I pushed him away so blatantly and without emotion. He went to his family for advice and out of love for him, they supported divorce if that’s what we chose. I was truly abusing him and realized that our relationship had always been very one-sided. He serves me constantly and I just felt above him. He loves me so much.

We both knew that if we separated, I would spiral into a dark place without the gospel and eventually regret my choices. Andrew could not let that happen. I didn’t know which option was worse and kept telling myself that maybe it would be ok or at least better than a marriage without love. We talked to the bishop in Maricopa. He was so understanding and supportive. He showed us nothing but love. Andrew went to the temple seeking guidance and had an experience in which he felt that his grandparents as well as my grandpa Eddington were all there in spirit. Grandpa pleaded with him not to let go of his Cherie.

We went to counseling and discovered that my not being able to connect during intimacy was the result of the rape I experienced at 17 years old. I had been going emotionally numb every time and blocking him out to protect myself. I didn’t believe that could ever change. I got very discouraged and wanted to give up on trying to be happy with Andrew but I kept reading about how in the end of the Book of Mormon the Nephites were left to themselves because they had rejected Christ and He no longer sanctified their actions or guided their choices. They began to fall. Hard. I knew that could happen to me and was terrified because I know I am shy and struggling to get a preceptor for my PMHNP program and need so much help for life in general.

I kept going to therapy and they did retro-therapy to change the rape in my mind. I felt different afterwards but I wasn’t sure what it would translate to in my relationship. It took weeks for anything to happen. Every day was a painful struggle trying to be patient and have faith. My medications had to be changed a few times because depakote gave me a rash and 2 anticonvulsants together really messed up my folate metabolism. It was a long process trying to do everything I could in the secular sense to get my mind in the right place.

I prayed that I could love Andrew. I needed to. I also prayed that I could be healed from the terrible damage the rape had left me with. I cried a lot. I knew that God loved me and wanted to believe things could improve but nothing happened for a long time. I was constantly second-guessing but I just stayed. I kept thinking and wondering and hoping and praying. Then one day it just clicked. I connected with Andrew. I felt something. I felt a lot actually. It was a rush of the Spirit and of love. Love for Andrew and an overwhelming sense of love from God for me. I felt that the Atonement was healing me. I can’t describe how amazing I felt. I remembered loving Andrew. Maybe I loved him more. I was suddenly so, so happy and appreciative that he didn’t let go and for everything sweet he did for me during that hard time.

We had a move to Gilbert in the works. Our bishop called the new one and told him about us and that we were coming. We texted the elder’s quorum president with only 2 hours notice that we would be unloading the truck and 20 guys showed up to help. Kate also came to take the kids to the park so we could work. Everyone was so nice and welcoming. 5 people brought us food within the first day here. Church was amazing. Almost everyone is our age and so down to earth. So many people offered help with whatever we need and were genuinely interested in getting to know us. We went out to dinner with Jana and her family across the way the very first night we were here. The bishop was at an airport when he heard we were moving in and was probably concerned that he couldn’t be there to help, then saw how much help we got and was so glad that his ward had welcomed us like that. He teared up when telling the story.

I feel like everything is meant to be and will be amazing. I feel like we are being treated as ‘the one’ like Grandpa would have wanted. I think he may have pulled some strings. There are so many tender mercies happening and I feel like this is a whole new leaf and everything will be ok and so much better. Blessings are pouring out and I think it’s because we were patient through our very difficult trial. My limited faith turned into a miracle so much bigger than I could have ever imagined. This is only the 3^rd day here and I feel like things are going to be amazing. I hope I can do my part to accept new friendships and give back however I can. I also hope that I can keep the spirit and this love for Andrew in my heart all the time. It’s such a contrast; it is unbelievable.