The first panic attack I ever had started because my niece fell and hit her head on my mom’s piano bench. That’s right– hyperventilating, tears, a had-to-hide-in-another-room panic attack because a toddler tumbled over.
I should’ve known then that the journey to heal emotionally was going to be much longer than my physical journey.
Within a year my cast was removed, I could lay down again without my ribs or back hurting and even had a living baby. My physical body had done a great job healing. But here I am, 5+ YEARS later and only a couple months past my last panic moment (I say moment because when compared to those first ones, it was much less severe).
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is something I never thought I would have. I live a fairly normal, boring life. But I was in the right (wrong) place at the right (wrong) time and my life was changed forever.
There have been SO MANY TIMES that I thought I was “over it.” I have even gone months without incident.
Then, what seemed to be out of the blue, I would have one episode, then another and another. This would spark feelings of despair: would I ever be better? Why is this happening AGAIN? IT HAS BEEN 5 YEARS. I shouldn’t be dealing with this. What is my problem?
But what I have learned is that PTSD doesn’t just go away because my experiences don’t just go away. Living a life, coping with PTSD is a journey. I will always be a different distance from the accident and the way I deal with the PTSD will change with that distance. Sometimes it doesn’t affect the way I live at all! Referring to my previous post: that book is on the shelf where it should be.
But no one who struggles with PTSD should be surprised, discouraged, or feel like a failure if it comes back out again. It’s the name of the game, and even just acknowledging that can help us cope.
